Non-Harming

Isn’t it interesting to notice our propensity to judge other people’s lives? As if we know what’s better for them than they do. Lately I’m noticing when I’m doing it and reining myself in. I’m wondering, isn’t it arrogant to think our way of doing things is the only and best way? Is assuming we know better for another person a form of harming? When humans try to help, fix others, and share wisdom without being asked, do we whittle away at another’s confidence? Could we also be hijacking their journey of living and learning? If we are honest, we may even boast and feel proud of ourselves for stepping in, rescuing another, or making something happen that otherwise couldn’t. After all, it makes US feel good.

Focusing on others is easier than focusing on ourselves.

In the words of author Deborah Adele, “in reality we are hiding our own sense of self-failure by telling others how to live their own life?” She further states, “when we are unwilling to look deeply and courageously into our own lives, we can easily violate others, thinking we are helping them.”

Further, herein lies the difference between helping and supporting. I wonder if you would agree. Helping carries the thought that I am more skilled at making life decisions and dealing with challenges than another. Supporting meets the other person on an equal playing field, with respect and curiosity. Listening, without advising, creates a sanctuary for another to discern for themselves. Often people just need a place to hear themselves. But what if you don’t agree with the other person, their thoughts and/or choices. That’s where self-reflection comes in, perhaps acknowledging the desire to control eliminates your own feelings of discomfort?

Taking it a step further, if you are worried about someone and feel the need to step in and fix, is worry a lack of faith in the other person’s judgement? Can you allow that person to walk their own path?  When we worry about others, and the decisions they make, is this a form of devaluing and harming them?

I don’t have all the answers, yet it’s a topic I’ve been thinking a lot about lately.  As I reflect on Ahimsa, the first and core guideline of the Yamas (Yoga’s ethical practices for living skillfully and peacefully) I realize it can be harming to not have faith in another person’s journey.

Here’s a challenge: In the coming weeks pause and notice how many times you run to fix, offer an opinion without being asked, or run interference with someone. Consider family, friends, parents, children and colleagues. Are you operating under the veil that worrying and fixing is caring? Or do you find yourself listening and offering space for the other to think through their thoughts and discern for themselves?